The Diary of Remus J Lupin
by Feigned Song
Summary: I know this has been done, but I might as well try. Remus's diary, spanning from when he was seven to just after OOTP.
1. The Age of Innocence

A/N: All right, I'm a victim to my muse. Most of this is written, but..sooner or later I'll run out. Oh yes, new with FF.net, so give me a bit to figure this out. Big thanks to my Beta. Here you go.  
  
The Diary of Remus Lupin  
  
By Jess  
  
Take this kiss upon the brow!   
  
And, in parting from you now,   
  
Thus much let me avow--   
  
You are not wrong, who deem   
  
That my days have been a dream;   
  
Yet if hope has flown away   
  
In a night, or in a day,   
  
In a vision, or in none,   
  
Is it therefore the less gone?  
  
All that we see or seem   
  
Is but a dream within a dream.  
  
I stand amid the roar   
  
Of a surf-tormented shore,  
  
And I hold within my hand   
  
Grains of the golden sand--   
  
How few! yet how they creep   
  
Through my fingers to the deep,   
  
While I weep--while I weep!   
  
O God! can I not grasp   
  
Them with a tighter clasp?   
  
O God! can I not save   
  
One from the pitiless wave?  
  
Is all that we see or seem   
  
But a dream within a dream?   
  
-Edgar Allen poe, Dream Within a Dream  
  
~-Part One: The Age of Innocence-~  
  
I'm not going to call you a 'diary' as a matter of fact, you know the title mum put on you? I taped over it with JOURNAL! Because I refuse to call you a diary. It's girly! You know that? Nik and Colten would tease me to no end if they found this thing. I'm only doing this because mum insists. Quite pitiful this is. Most six year olds, or as far as I know, can't write. (Nik and Colten can't, they're parents haven't made them yet. HA!) Okay, so basic information. I'm Six, my birthday is November 23. I'm really short, sadly. My hair is dark brown and eyes are gray. Nik says they're odd, but I disagree. And...I guess that's it? Still not seeing the point of writing in this.   
  
Remus J. Lupin, October 15, 1966  
  
Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday dear Remmy! Happy birthday to me! If you didn't guess by that, I'm seven years old today! Ha! In your face! The birthday party was awesome! Mum and Da made a cake, a big one too, and Colten and Nik were in good moods! We played games and I won musical chairs. We played tag but I tripped, so they got me. Fell flat on my face in front of everyone then got laughed at. Admittedly, I've never been much graceful. Never, so the meeting with the floor was nothing new. As you noticed, I'm not writing in here unless I'm either really bored or have something to write about, but I'm not bored very often so it's doubtful. See ya later alligator! Now if only you could reply...bah.  
  
Remus Lupin, November 23, 1966  
  
This is boring. Very. Boring. Nik is out of town, lovely. Colten is stuck with his grandmother, oh joy! And here I am. So bored I'm actually writing in here without anything to say, besides the fact that my mum went nuclear earlier. Yea, she went nuclear, and I found it rather amusing. Rather shameful. Okay, so I'm not supposed to be amused by the fact that mum went nuclear. Actually, even less so as I was the one she went nuclear on, but I'm rather used to it. I figured out a while back that she considers me a waste of time and energy. Anyways, this time it was about going out to the forest alone again. Don't see why she's so concerned, nothing's lived there in ages. What does she think will happen? A wolf will bite me? Ha! Doubtful. I could outrun one of them easily. I think she's just annoyed at the very fact I'm having fun. That's it. She never likes me to enjoy anything. She hates Nik and Colten. I think she's jealous cause Da likes me more. I bet that's it, but I can't prove it, can I?   
  
Remus Lupin, November 29, 1966  
  
Nik and Colten are back! Yayy!!  
  
Remus Lupin, December 14, 1966  
  
Okay, so that was admittedly short. Aren't I a smart person? But I was going to write something more, just the fact that they knocked as I began writing, so you can't blame me. Okay, so now I'm apologizing to a book. A book, for merlin's sake! I really must be losing it. Or have I already lost it? Oh well. Either way, I do have some news. We (Colten, Nik and I) went exploring the forest again (much to Mum's dismay). We found an old cottage in the woods, deserted it is. We plan on making it our secret hideout. Good idea, hmn? We just have to fix it up a small bit, and then we have it! Ha! Go us!  
  
Remus Lupin, December 19, 1966  
  
I think mum was right...  
  
Remus Lupin, December 20, 1966  
  
I guess I need to put an explanation about the last entry here. I should clarify it to myself. I probably won't remember it twenty years from now. But that's doubtful, as it already haunts my dreams. Remember the crack about the wolf? It happened. It chased Colten, Nik and I. We ran, heading for the cabin we had found but it cornered us. Nik and Colten climbed through the window, but I was too small. I couldn't make it. The wolf pounced on me, it bit me, and then I blacked out. I didn't wake up for some time, but things had changed. There was a voice in my head, telling me to hurt people. Everything was so loud, and light hurt my eyes so badly. Why me? I've always tried to behave, I have. Now I can't stand it. I feel like...like I'm going insane. What will Colten and Nik say when they find out? Will they still be my friends? My dad says I'm a werewolf...and that everything will be okay. My mum...she avoids me more than ever. She hates me. Will everyone else feel the same?  
  
Remus Lupin, January 14, 1967   
  
I can't help but feel tired. I spend half of the month tired, depressed and easily agitated. The other half I spend thoroughly exhausted, unable to sleep, and sick. What could be worse? Colten and Nik have been inquiring about this. I just tell them I must have caught something when the wolf bit me. And it isn't exactly a lie, I guess.  
  
Remus Lupin, February 13, 1967  
  
Wow, first day I'm feeling aright since the accident! Hooray? Maybe it has something to do with the fact there's a New Moon tonight, But I wouldn't know. I really should look some stuff up on this. Maybe I will sooner or later. Don't know for sure. But I probably will. Going outside. Waste of time, you are.  
  
Remus Lupin, February 19, 1967  
  
Nik found out today. He looked at me like I was...a monster. He's going to tell Colten, and Colten will be the same. They'll both hate me forever. And I can't help it! It's not fair! It isn't! I didn't ask to be bitten! I didn't ask to have to change into a monster every full moon! I never did! I never wanted it! I just wanted to be normal! Normal! Why can't anyone understand that? I'm not a monster! I'm just Remus...the same person...except I look different... nothing else. Why'd this have to happen to me? I hate it. I hate everything.  
  
Remus Lupin, February 27, 1967  
  
He told Colten. Colten crosses the road when he sees me coming.  
  
Remus Lupin, February 28, 1967  
  
Now I turn to you, lost of all other worldly contact. My mum looks at me like I'm a piece of scum, my dad's trying to find a cure, but people have been trying that for years. No one ever has, so why would one show up now? What's the use? I don't see it.   
  
Remus Lupin, March 3, 1967  
  
It snowed today. I used to always be the first one out when it snowed. Now I'm staying in here, watching everyone else play, making snowmen and snow angels and flinging snowballs. It seems every kid in town knows, as whenever I walk out of the house they all duck and run. Nice luck I have.  
  
Remus Lupin, March 5, 1967  
  
The full moon was last night. Everything heals up after I change, but it doesn't stop the pain. No, no way does it. Besides the shadows of numerous gashes, claw marks and bites that are left across my arms and back, I feel like every joint is misplaced, and why wouldn't I? I just had every bone and muscle in my body reshaped twice in less than twelve hours. Oh joy.  
  
Remus Lupin, March 11, 1967  
  
You know what I realized? This JOURNAL is depressing me more than I already am. I think I'll put it away for some time, maybe forever. I don't really need it. Mum's pretending I don't exist. I'm only going to write when something..something big happens. Then that's it. So, g'bye for now.  
  
Remus Lupin, March 13, 1967  
  
TBC  
  
~-~_~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-  
  
b A/n:/b Well, that's it? Like it? Hate it? XD Tell me what's wrong or right with it, if you want. *shrugs* If you even read it. *points to button dully* Oh yes, I know it's short. I have longer too... 


	2. Lost

Part Two: Lost  
  
~~  
  
Nine years old and already marked by the ministry as dangerous.  
  
Already attempted to kill myself. Must be a record, huh? I guess  
  
you need the story. I'm surprised I'm still here myself. And yes,  
  
this does count as big in my opinion or I wouldn't be writing in here. Oh yes,  
  
one more thing to add to the list, already had someone attempt to  
  
kill me. Aright, so I better start at the beginning. You know that  
  
my Da was the only one who really thought of me as normal anymore.  
  
He got too close during a full moon. I attacked him, it was only   
  
severe scratches, yes, and he'll be fine. But he now shares my   
  
mums opinion. The ministry caught word of the attack, and have marked  
  
me as dangerous. Any problems onesoever, and I'll be taken care  
  
of by the Department for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures.  
  
That's the first one. Anyways, I decided it was pointless to keep on  
  
as I have, useless, not wanted. Mum stopped using the silverware, but I knew   
  
where she had put it. I got one of the knives and managed to knick  
  
my wrist. It hurt, a lot. Unfortunately, or as they would put it, some  
  
other kid found me. I guess he was from out of town, as he didn't  
  
cringe away from me, but rather tried to help. I didn't catch his name,  
  
smart of me, but why attempt to make friends when they'll find out and   
  
forget about me anyway? He had black hair, pretty long, at least   
  
by Mum's standards and grey-blue eyes. He looked about as lost as me.  
  
Maybe his parents didn't much care for him either...? Oh well. Third  
  
ones simple. Mum was very angry about me attacking Da and attacked   
  
me, of course, I didn't struggle as I'd attempted the same before.  
  
She just tried to stab me with one of the bronze-ish knives, got   
  
my shoulder, but it healed over. She was furious. That's basically all that's   
  
happened in the last two years. Not that it matters.  
  
Remus Lupin, December 25, 1968  
  
~  
  
Looking over the last entry..I can't help but wonder who that was.  
  
Why did he waste his time helping a stranger in the woods when he  
  
was no older than me? Well, obviously he didn't know about my  
  
problem, or he wouldn't have so much as glanced at me. Perhaps I   
  
regret letting him help now, because everythings worse. My da has  
  
joined my mum in the venomous looks, and my mum has gotten worse.  
  
Whenever I do leave the house people scatter and whisper. Really,  
  
is this life really worth it?  
  
Remus Lupin, January 13, 1969  
  
~  
  
Everything has fallen into darkness. Everyone, everything. I've  
  
trapped myself in an abyss that I refuse to leave. Why bother with  
  
people when I can lose myself in my mind, a world of thoughts  
  
and emotions that no one can tease me about, taunt me about, or fear  
  
me for. I'm not going to lose my temper anymore. I'm not going  
  
to be hyper and happy anymore. I'm just going to be there,  
  
alone, and never wanting to be anything more. Calm, quiet and  
  
perfectly unnoticeable. Never will I trust anyone or let them fear  
  
me again.  
  
Remus Lupin, January 15, 1969  
  
~  
  
Moved to Britain today. Town called Hogsmeade, it's all wizards.   
  
Oh joy. Big school right by here, really, it seems my parents  
  
are out to torment me as much as possible. I can climb up on the roof  
  
and see them lazing on the grounds. It's not like I'll ever be accepted  
  
into a school of witchacraft and wizardry. I still blame  
  
it on the wolf. Evil creature. I was perfectly fine off before it  
  
came.  
  
Remus Lupin, January 19, 1969  
  
~  
  
Life is dull. Really not seeing the point.  
  
Remus Lupin, January 27, 1969  
  
~  
  
People have told me misery loves company. But wouldn't company dispell  
  
misery? Or perhaps the company defines misery, after all, I have my  
  
parents for company. They only make me more miserable. They're company.  
  
But that's just getting philosophical. Might as well not bore you with my   
  
complaints. Bah.  
  
Remus Lupin, February 15, 1969  
  
~  
  
Don't get me wrong, I love the cellar. It's nice, and dark, and quiet,  
  
and morbid. Oh yes! Don't forget the lovely spiders that inhabit the corners.  
  
Of course, even they scurry off and hide if I go near them, so no worries there.  
  
I still get out sometimes. Watch the school, looking at what I can never have.  
  
Friends. Even if by some odd chance I was accepted.  
  
Remus Lupin, February 15, 1969  
  
~  
  
You know, I would have made another attempt at ridding myself of this  
  
misery, but now I feel ashamed. I mean, one person stopped to  
  
try and help me. One person actually cared what I did.  
  
But they didn't know who I was, or rather, what I was. We didn't  
  
even exchange names. Lovely.  
  
Remus Lupin, March 15, 1969  
  
~  
  
I fell off the roof. Yes, it was an accident. It was, in all truth.  
  
Sprained my ankle, cried. Mum slapped me. Said I shouldn't cry.  
  
Monsters didn't have the right to cry, and I was a monster. I  
  
stopped crying, because that's exactly what I've told myself  
  
all along. I'm a monster. I won't cry again. Ever.  
  
Remus Lupin, March 29, 1969  
  
~  
  
One of the teachers there, I think...he's the transfiguration teacher. If that wasn't  
  
exactly clear, I was talking about the school nearby. He caught me on the roof  
  
and talked to me. he immediatly recognized what I was. And how do I know he's the  
  
transfiguration teacher? He told me. He seems interested in me. Said... He said I  
  
seemed like a very nice boy. Not something I get very often.  
  
Remus Lupin, April 8, 1969  
  
~  
  
As of today, I'm literally wasting away in the cellar. Parents don't  
  
much notice whether I leave or not, unless I leave the house, which  
  
is always a rather difficult thing at this point. They're suspicious after I talked with   
  
the old man. Ha. Don't eat much, don't see the point.Maybe I'll just put the diary away.   
  
Or not. I don't know. I'll wait until I actually have something non-depressing to write   
  
about, how about that? Works for me. Probably never, but...who knows?  
  
Remus Lupin, April 15, 1969  
  
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~  
  
A/N: Okay, Disclaimer...Remus isn't mine. Neither is the person mentioned in the first  
  
entry. Aye, any guesses as to who that is? *points to the review button and cackles* 


	3. A Brief Interlude from Misery

A/N: Bwah! *salutes Padfoot4ever* You got it, mate. *bows to other reviewers* Thank you for reviewing! Yes, I do notice you there. How could I not? Thanks all of you! And now enough of my babbling and onto the story  
  
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-  
  
Part Three: A Brief Interlude from Misery  
  
~  
  
Okay! My prediction about nothing good to write about wasn't exactly true. Guess what?! I was accepted into the school! My parents were delighted, delighted to be rid of me, but I'm actually going away from here and learning magic! I am! Can you believe it? it's almost too good to be true. Hoping I don't wake up anytime soon.  
  
Remus Lupin, July 7, 1971  
  
~  
  
On the train now. Rather pointless that I had to be taken all the way to London just to take a train right back where I started from, but who am I to complain? Someones coming into the compartment. Lovely. I better put this away, very messy hair this person has.. rather scary.  
  
Remus Lupin, September 1, 1971  
  
~  
  
He's here. The person that kept me from killing myself two..three? years ago. His name's Sirius, Sirius Black. He recognized me too, but chose not to say anything in front of other people, thank Merlin. I've been avoiding him, he could ask questions or something of the sort. It was rather difficult to refrain from answering questions as they (him and the messy haired one, still scares me. His name is James) wouldn't let me out of the compartment they both came in. Both were..rather loud. Very scary. Long year, I suppose this will be.  
  
Remus Lupin, September 2, 1971  
  
~  
  
Okay, in school now. Lots of fun. I was sorted into Gryffindor, as I forgot to mentiont hat in the last entry. I share a dorm with Sirius, James, a small, chubby boy named Peter, and a really tall person named Douglas. Four people in the room with me. Jumping with joy! Right. So there's your update, and no more shall be said.  
  
Remus Lupin, September 9, 1971  
  
~  
  
It's official! They're determined to stalk me everywhere I go until I prove to them I'm not mute, which I already have. They don't know when to stop! Very sad. They...want me to be their friend, I suppose. Well of course, they've asked me to. But I don't want things to end up the same as they did with Nik and Colten. I don't think I could handle that again.  
  
Remus Lupin, September 15, 1971  
  
~  
  
They've gotten their way. I can't help but get along with them at this point, I mean, there's really no use in fighting it. You can't beat'em, join them, right? I still haven't let Sirius catch me alone, it is rather a miracle that I've managed for this long. But he'll catch me sooner or later. Lovely.   
  
Remus Lupin, September 29, 1971   
  
~  
  
Yep. he finally caught me alone, and that was only by an odd turn of events. He's failing potions. Only because he doesn't try. Really, it's not that hard. Either way...this is exactly..(or to the best of my knowledge) how the conversation went... "Remus?" -Sirius  
  
"Yes?" -me  
  
"Can I ask you something?"  
  
"You just did."  
  
"Something else then."  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Was..I met someone in France on vacation a few years ago.." he paused. I nodded.  
  
"Was that you..trying to..erm..."  
  
"Yes, that was me." Yes, that was said quietly.  
  
"Why did you..?"  
  
"It's really nothing I'd like to discuss."   
  
"Oh. Aright."  
  
Yes, that was the conversation. At least he wasn't pushy.   
  
Remus Lupin, October 15, 1971  
  
~  
  
Lingering behind them, can't help but feel like a tag along. but when I'm not following them, they're following me. Great fun. People still think I'm a mute. Ha. Leave it to me to get a title like that.   
  
Remus Lupin, October 19, 1971   
  
~  
  
It's official. I'm the prank designer, and fixer. Very nice title. It came about with the chalk board in the potions room. Sirius and James had been plotting to do this for days, but I fixed it. The result was the chalk board covered in colorful insultts. Literally colorful. As in green, blue, purple, etc. Great fun.  
  
Remus Lupin, November 17, 1971  
  
~  
  
Happy birthday to me! I actually got presents...I haven't gotten them in years. From Sirius James and Pete. How they got my birthday, I don't know, but still!   
  
Remus Lupin, November 23, 1971  
  
~  
  
Sirius has detention all through Christmas break. Torturing a slytherin. James, Peter and I aren't laughing. Yes, we are. He's not happy. He's sulking. I find it...very amusing. Oh well, very nice turn of events.   
  
Remus Lupin, December 15, 1971  
  
~  
  
Whoo, Christmas presents all around. Happy Christmas! Sirius still sulking about detentions. Us still laughing. Really actually finding life worthwhile again. Amazing.  
  
Remus Lupin, December 25, 1971  
  
~  
  
New years party. Too loud down there. Very drunk Sirius, too much butterbeer for him and James. Cowering in common room. Evil noise. ep! here's Peter to drag me down. Good, he's gone. Very good. Still, it's a wonder MGonagall hasn't come and started biting our heads off yet. I'm not kidding about that. I'm probably the only one cowering. but Sirius is drunk, and he's stumbling around making bad jokes, so I'm rather afraid. James is stalking Miss Evans again, which, in a sense is more scary than Sirius. Aye, i'm gonna attempt to get some sleep. tell you how badly Sirius is injured later.  
  
Remus Lupin, December 31, 1971-January 1, 1972   
  
~  
  
Classes started today, lots of fun, really. Sirius ditched. James keeps glancing over at Miss Evans, he fancies her. Or rather, is obsessed with her. And how old is he? Oh yes, I suppose I owe you the explanation of Sirius' earlier injuries. He fell down the stairs, was found in the morning with a hangover. Rather amusing.  
  
Remus Lupin, January 21, 1972  
  
~  
  
Too busy to write lately. Not that anything worthwhile has happened. Well, except the fact that Peter managed to explode the potions room, not that it'll be the last time. And in any case, I had the 'luck' of being his partner. Had to stay after class to clean up the mess, was late for transfiguration, got detention. Sirius and James are having a field day.  
  
Remus Lupin, February 19, 1972  
  
~  
  
Still teasing me about detention. Figures, with their one track minds. So bored at the moment, the professors have eased up on the homework, thus taking my only pastime away. I can always read though. Pffsh.   
  
Remus Lupin, March 4, 1972  
  
~  
  
First year's almost over...amazing how much time can fly. Sirius has decided that he's staying at school for the summer, like the teachers will allow that. Of him! Of all people. I've decided that staying at Hogwarts isn't so bad, really, it's much better compared to mum.  
  
Remus Lupin, March 17, 1972  
  
~  
  
April fools. Sirius got me thrown out the window, oh joy! It wasn't exactly fun, but I didn't break anything as he caught me with an air pocket spell, where he learned that, I'll never know.  
  
Remus Lupin, April 1, 1972  
  
~  
  
New person to add in: Bellatrix Black. She's the biggest pain at school. Yes, she is Sirius' cousin and has taken it upon herself to watch over us the rest of our time here. Doesn't that sound fun, as she's constantly picking fights?  
  
Remus Lupin, April 19, 1972  
  
~  
  
Exhausted. Exams.Too much studying. Bah. Still fun though, but bah again.  
  
Remus Lupin, May 21, 1972  
  
~  
  
Term is coming to an end. Wow...it seems like almost yesterday. Finals results came in, and that's pretty much why you haven't heard from me in a while. Been studying. Just so James and Sirius can copy my notes. Perfect occupation, huh? I passed everything, so did Sirius and James. Peter barely did so. He had a fit about what his parents would do, and I can't help but wonder... what will my mum do when I get home? Will she even pick me up? Best leave that to when it's necessary. Better get outside before Sirius has a cow.   
  
Remus Lupin, June 14, 1972  
  
~  
  
Boarding the train, saying goodbyes. Very bad day. Had a time keeping my composure. Me, losing composure for a moment. Odd...but as I expected, Mum didn't come get me. Caught a cab after trading some muggle bills. Wasn't exactly welcomed either. She glared at me, then simply pointed to the cellar, where, once more, I am locked. Fun, don't you think? I guess this is my residence for the summer.   
  
Remus Lupin, June 9, 1972  
  
~  
  
Summer is boring. Of course I made sure to bring my books down to the cellar with me, but there's only so many times you can read a book over and over. Mentally marking the days until I'm back at school, it's become more of a home than here ever was. But I still have two months...at least. Last time I checked. Dates may be a little off, as I can't exactly check. Not that it much matters. Bah.  
  
Remus Lupin, June 19, 1972  
  
~  
  
Okay, now I have an exact date. Fear me. I got the date. Note the sarcasm. Still rotting in the dung- er...cellar, I suppose. I'll be paler than the ghosts by the time term starts. Oh joy. Read the books, letter should come within the next...two weeks. I think. Unless I got kicked out somehow. Bah. That's the new word.  
  
Remus Lupin, July 1, 1972  
  
~  
  
Letter is here. Parents are dropping me off at Diagon Alley, I'm supposed to stay at the Leaky Cauldron until term starts. I'm jumping with joy. And I mean it this time. No sarcasm. I basically get free run for the next month and a half. Calling me now. Write later.  
  
Remus Lupin, July 12, 1972  
  
~  
  
To Be Continued 


End file.
